Introduction
I used to have a checklist. I’m not proud of it. But I had one.
A list of things I wanted in a partner. She had to be a certain height, have a certain job, share a certain number of hobbies. She had to be “perfect.”
And I went on date after date, looking for someone who matched my list. I dismissed people who didn’t fit. I overlooked people who didn’t match. I was so focused on finding “The One” that I missed all the ones right in front of me.
Then something happened. I met someone who didn’t fit my checklist. She was different from what I’d imagined. And she was wonderful.
The Checklist
Here’s what I thought I wanted:
- She’d be a graphic designer
- She’d love hiking and camping
- She’d be into indie music
- She’d be a foodie
- She’d be the same height as me
- She’d love dogs
- She’d be ambitious but not too ambitious
- She’d have a good relationship with her family
- She’d be funny (but not funnier than me)
I Know, I Know.
It’s ridiculous to have such a specific list. But I did. And I stuck to it for years.
The Person Who Didn’t Fit
Her name was Maya. She was a writer, not a graphic designer. She hated camping. She preferred electronic music to indie. She was a vegetarian. She was shorter than me. She was allergic to dogs. She was ambitious and owned it. She didn’t talk to her family. She was funny – a lot funnier than me.
She didn’t fit a single item on my list. And yet, I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
We met at a friend’s dinner party. We ended up sitting next to each other. I didn’t expect to connect with her. I didn’t think she was “my type.” But we talked for hours. We laughed. We shared stories. Something clicked.
What Happened Next:
I realized my checklist was a trap. It wasn’t helping me find the right person – it was preventing me from seeing them.
What I Learned:
I learned that what I thought I wanted wasn’t actually what I needed. I thought I wanted someone who matched my hobbies. But what I actually needed was someone who was curious about me. I thought I wanted someone who was perfect on paper. But what I actually needed was someone who made me feel seen.
The New Approach
I threw away the checklist. I decided to approach dating differently.
Instead of looking for a checklist, I looked for three things:
- Curiosity – Are they curious about me? Do they ask me questions? Do they want to know who I am?
- Kindness – Are they kind to me? Are they kind to others? Do they treat people with respect?
- Presence – Are they present when I’m with them? Do they put down their phone? Do they show up?
The Difference:
The checklist was about what I wanted them to be. The new approach was about how they made me feel. One was about control. The other was about connection.
What I Found
I started meeting people I never would have considered before. People who didn’t fit my “type” but were wonderful. People who were different from me in the best ways.
One of them was Sarah.
Sarah didn’t have a “perfect” job. She didn’t love hiking. She was loud, opinionated, and messy. She also made me laugh, was kind, and showed up for me.
We dated for a year and a half. It didn’t end in marriage, but it was a good relationship. It taught me what I actually needed – and what I could live without.
What I’d Tell Someone Still Holding a Checklist
Throw it away. Not all of it. Keep the non-negotiables: kindness, honesty, respect. But throw away the preferences. The “perfect height,” the “right job,” the “shared hobbies.” Those things don’t matter as much as you think.
The person who will make you happy isn’t the one who checks all your boxes – it’s the one who surprises you.
